*Disclaimer: This post contains sensitive information on trauma and mental health that may not be suitable for all readers. At the end of this post are resources that can be helpful if you or someone you know and love is in crisis.* 

I am not shy about sharing my challenges with the world and discussing things that some people would rather hide. It has been my experience over the years that the more open and honest I am about what I go through, how I feel, and the ways in which I manage things, the more positive interactions I can have with people, the more honest and better relationships I can have, and the more I can help to change stigmas around mental health and invisible disorders.  There are many people I have come across in my life, and even since starting this blog, that have had similar struggles to my own but haven’t had the words to explain what they deal with to those around them. I don’t usually struggle with finding the words and if I can help others by sharing my own story and my own struggles, then I am all for it and will shout my feelings, thoughts, and challenges from the mountain tops for all to hear. 

In a previous post of mine, Navigating Mental Health Challenges: A Personal Journey, I discussed having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in some detail in tandem with my MS diagnosis and how that at times affects me physically with food aversions and with fatigue. Some days I have to give myself a mental health day or physical health day and say to myself “I’ll get to it when I get to it” and while I did discuss those challenges in some detail, I have lately been struggling more with the depression and guilt side of things and realized this morning it’s been six days since my last post. 

It is time to talk and open up a bit more. 

As stated in previous posts, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that can significantly affect a person’s functionality with life and relationships. It is a multifaceted disorder that affects a person’s relationships, behaviors, ability to work, and function in “normal life” (if there even is such a thing). I am fortunate to have been raised the way I was with the parents I was raised by and have learned to recognize when I am struggling and need to step back and re-evaluate what is happening to me and use some of my coping skills. Not everyone with the disorder has those skills. 

BPD is one of those disorders that puts people at a high risk for self harm and suicidal ideation. In fact, according to “Borderline Personality Disorder Statistics” by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD, 40% – 85% of people with this diagnosis will attempt suicide at least once in their life with a staggering 8%- 10% completing suicide. That, in comparision, is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population and it is devastating. I, in my teens and early adult life, personally struggled with self harming tendencies and have struggled in my early days to find replacement behaviors. I am also not ashamed to admit that I have brought myself to the Emergency Room on more than one occasion for my own struggles with suicidal ideatoin, at least one of those instances has happened within the last 5 years. 

I will say that though brief moments of ideation have come to mind in the last 7 days, I am not actively in crisis and if I were I have people who care about me that check in on me regularly and, as stated previously, I am not above taking myself to the hospital if it becomes necessary or utilizing the resources I have listed below if I need them. It is why I list them, in fact, because I have used them and know they can help. 

I bring this tendency towards ideation and self-harm up however, to discuss some of the triggers for these thoughts and feelings and to share a little bit of what my own depressive triggers this week have been in the hopes that it can help someone like me in the future vocalize what they need to in the time they need to to the person they need to. 

People with BPD, while responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions to outside persons, are often very easily affected by the people in their lives they care about. We have a tendency to put people in our lives on pedestals and when they disappoint us, it is in a big way. Also, when we perceive that the person we care about has negative feelings towards us, that can and often will trigger a defensive reaction towards abandonment, real or perceived. Either the person with BPD will engage in a behavior called splitting where they make the loved one out to be all bad and will actively seek to force the abandonment they perceive coming or will become clingy and obsessively hold onto the person or manipulate them into staying.

 I have someone in my life whom I will refer to as Squishy in this post to protect their privacy, that affects me very significantly. As I have stated, I have coping strategies under my belt that help me avoid splitting or reacting as intensely as others might when I interact with Squishy. I have also been open and honest with Squishy from the start of our friendship let alone our romantic relationship about my challenges. They see me and try to work with me. 

Let me be VERY clear, I love Squishy. I am very happy with Squishy. Squishy loves me to death and I know it, they show it frequently, and they would never ever ever do anything that hurts me on purpose. I am in no way, shape, or form talking negatively about Squishy. I have all of the respect for them in the world. I wouldn’t change this person for anything. There is just one facet of their personality that I LOVE, but have to work around and find coping skills for on a regular basis and that is their extremely high standards and the way in which they express those standards. 

Having the standards they have is NOT a bad thing. In fact, often it is really helpful in my life and for me. It holds me accountable and pushes me above what I would do otherwise. It is their high standards that keeps most of our things in working order, that ensures we have enough money to cover all the bills when I want to impulse spend, that prevents our house\room from being as messy as I would let it get which would affect my mental health more. It is their high standards that have saved me from myself on more than one occasion and it is those high standards I have come to rely on and value more than I care to admit. 

However, Squishy’s high standards when vocalized can and often do sound like complaints or criticisms which my poor BDP brain does not deal with well. Oftentimes, it isn’t an issue. As stated, I have been open and honest with Squishy about my BPD and when it gets too much I can and often will ask for positive feedback and compliments to support and balance things out. Squishy, knowing my brain and challenges will often oblige my requests and will even at times anticipate the need for it prior to my asking and will frequently vocalize that they are not complaining and that I did good. If I need a rest day and to lay in bed, they won’t push and were very concerned with how hard I was working the first few days after my parents left because they knew I was going to burn myself out. And Squishy works so I get breaks and can relax my own standards from time to time without having to worry as much. 

But this week… this week Squishy took off from work to help prepare for the move. And while I love Squishy and want to spend my life with Squishy, and would not trade Squishy for the world…. One of us has to work!

We need time to not be in the same house! If we were in a room together 24/7 and I had to listen to them all day every day tell me everything I am not doing to their standard or that they wished I would do differently I think I would go insane. And while in normal circumstances I can deal with it and work around it, when one of us is not going to work and we are around each other all the time, those work-arounds and coping skills lose some of their effectiveness temporarily. 

People with BPD don’t deal with criticism well usually and while Squishy doesn’t intend to criticize me and I know it logically, it is hard to keep negative thoughts out of my brain when I am trying to meet a standard that is not my own constantly. And like I have stated, they would NEVER hurt me on purpose, but sometimes it is hard to explain to people that their opinions on what your not doing to their standards should be kept to themselves for a period of time when they don’t understand that the reason your asking them for that is so you can have a moment to challenge the negative thoughts in your head. 

People who don’t have BPD or other mental health disorders don’t always realize that “you should wash out the sink” can translate to ‘you’re a slob who doesn’t do anything right.” They don’t always recognize that “You should work on the kitchen more today” can translate to “get off your lazy ass you bum.” And they definitely don’t always recognize that when one hears perceived complaints enough- challenging negative thoughts becomes harder. 

In these 6 days since my last post I have been struggling with negative self image and thoughts. I have been struggling with thoughts that I am lazy, worthless, fat, and useless. I have been struggling to think that my life is going to get better, feeling guilty over every penny I spend even if it is on things I need or have wanted for a long time. I have been feeling guilty about wanting to move and putting us through this struggle and doubting every decision that has led to this moment. 

Squishy at times has not helped. But, they are redeemed in their recognition that I am not perfect and their willingness to continue to work with me and attempt to communicate needs. 

Squishy this morning once more asked me what was wrong, once more listened to me explain how I have been feeling and that I haven’t been sure why I have been feeling it. And despite their desire to protect their privacy and hating reading my blog post, agreed to let me write this today and share with you all the struggle. 

I needed to write this more than I had realized. I feel better now that I have. And it is my hope that it can help someone like me someday realize that you don’t have to be perfect. That there are people out there who will see you for who you are and who will work with you to get your needs met. 

Squishy is my person. And though sometimes they can be a trigger for me- and they really need to go back to work- I wouldn’t trade them for the world. 

Thank you Squishy for being there for me. 

I love you. 

-Dare.  

Resources: 

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988lifeline.org

Counseling Services: Betterhelp.com