*Dislaimer- This post discuses some sensitive topics of emotional and mental abuse, homelessness, and unloving family dynamics. It is not suitable for all readers*

*I have been given full consent to share this story for the reason that it may serve to show people they are not alone and spread a message of hope to those struggling in similar circumstances.*

I am, and have been, a firm believer that things happen for a reason. 

Despite having been raised in church with parents who believe in Jesus, the Christian Bible, and show what they preach, and a family that is full of preachers and those who work for and in the churches, I do not claim Christian belief. That does not, however, mean that I do no believe in a higher power or that that higher power and the universe doesn’t have a plan for us and a way of working things out in our lives exactly the way that these need to. 

It has been my personal experience that there is a higher power and that higher power is at work in our lives every day working things out and solving our problems in exactly the way they need to be solved at exactly the time that they need to be solved. I have found that very often, if i just leave things up to the universe and listen to my instincts and the little voice in my head directing me, that I come out better for it on the other side every time. This has been true for me in every aspect of my life from finding a job, needing a break financially, or needing someone in my life to lend a listening ear. I have very rarely ever had a situation in which it didn’t work out in such a way that I was a better person in the end, and the few times that was the case it was because I didn’t listen to my own instincts and my own voices in my head telling me what I needed to do in that exact moment. 

This week has been a test of those instincts and a test that things will work out. 

My best friend that I wrote about in “Life Lessons from My Best Friend: A Heartfelt Tribute” lived in her own apartment when I first met her but through lifes circumstances and through some not so great choices on her part, she ended up having to move back in with her parents along with her fiance. 

Many people in today’s day and age have found themselves in similar circumstances. Living with their parents or having to find roommates to make ends meet. Sometimes when living with parents, it can be stressful even if the family is a good family with a healthy relationship dynamic like mine. I have no dillusions to the fact that my family is not perfect but we are increasingly more of an oddity in todays day and age. I actually get along well with my family, love them very much, and have a real sense of safety and security living in their basement based on the fact that if push comes to shove they will not let me starve or be homeless. We will work it out. It wont be pretty but if there is a real need, they have me. 

Not everyone has that, including my friend. 

I have spent months watching my friend and her fiance suffer in their living sitatuin. Her mother felt that if her daughter was living under her roof that she had the right to treat her like her own personal maid/housekeeper and slave girl.

Now let us be clear on something. I am all for pulling your own weight. I am living in my parents house rent free and I know there are expectation of me that I contribute to thise household. I help with dogs when I can, contribute to dog food funds, contribute to food from time to time, keep my living space clean, help with dishes from time to time, will help my family run errands, take my mom to doctors appimtments if she needs me to due to her own medical needs, and am generally willing to help when and where I can within reason. There are times I will say no, there will be disputes between my parents and I on occasion, but those are always solved quickly and with respect to personal boundaries and needs. I am allowed to say no. There is a difference, however, in pulling your own weight and in being expected to be someones personal maid, chauffeur, punching bag, and little slave girl. 

That was where my friend was living. She and her fiance were expected to clean the whole house even messes that were not her own. They were responsible for giving her mother her medications when her mother called for her, cooking her dinner every night, going and picking up her grocery orders, pick up her medications, take care of her brothers dogs, all of which in her mothers time frame. If they deviated at all from what her mother wanted they were met with guit trips, screaming, threats, and other harmful manipulation tactics meant to keep the girls under thumb. And nothing was ever good enough. There was always something her mother had to complain about. 

I stopped being able to spend time with my friend doing what we loved because when she would come over, her mother would call her every few minutes wondering where she was, yelling at her for not being home to give her food and medication, and guilt tripping her saying she obviously didn’t care about her mother anymore. When we would play video games online, every ten minutes her mother would be calling her name asking her to do something, yelling at her for not cleaning good enough, or calling her lazy and ungrateful. There were no boundaries, no sanctity of time to do what she wanted, no privacy, no real ability to say no, nothing resembling safety or healthy functioning of a family unit. 

For months I watched as my friend became a shell of herself, her and her fiance became more and more withdrawn and beat down as the confident woman I had grown to know changed, and old habits I’d worked heard to break slowly crept back in. For months I asked if she wanted me to intervene and for months I accepted as she told me no, knowing that I wasn’t the one who would directly have to deal with the fallout of my intervention. 

As stated earlier, however, things happen for a reason and right when they are supposed to happen. 

We had been planning to go out to eat together for days. Friend just got a job that is a remote job, got her first paycheck and wanted to use it to treat me to sushi. Her and her fiance were coming to get me, borrowing the car from her parents to do so. Her mom was angry because the girls hadn’t cleaned the living room on her schedule then and there as she had demanded they do and was threatening to call the police and report the car stolen if they didn’t come back to the house right that instant and clean. This was after the mom had called and yelled at her for several minutes before the friend had just hung up and refused to answer the phone because she was done getting yelled at. 

I asked once more- “Do you want me to intervene?” And I finally got my yes. 

I got the phone number and got to work. Said everything I’d been holding onto for months in the semi-professional matter of fact way that has grown to be second nature to me. Laid out the blatant manipulation, laid out the lack of respect of boundaries, laid out the fact that she had a son in the house who was just as capable but that she wasn’t calling on him to do anything, laid out that if the current trend continued she would be left alone estranged from the daughter that had been bending over backwards for her, with no hope of future reconciliation. 

I did not hold the words I’d been dying to let loose for months, and I did not leave wiggle room to argue because I spoke truth. Cold hard truth, with evidence from her own mouth. 

Some people faced with the cold hard truth with take the wake up call and change. Some will not. They will fight against it, blame others, and seek to find excuses or lash against the people speaking what they don’t want to see. It goes back to the saying you can only help people who want to be helped.

Her mother was the latter, did not want to be helped, and my friend was promptly kicked out of her mothers home. Her father overruled that decision but the damage had been done and I knew that she was never going to be safe in that house and that things were only going to get worse.

I knew what I needed to do and it just so happened that at this exact moment in life I had everything I needed at my disposal to make that happen. If I had intervene any sooner I would not have the resources necessary, but that day, in that moment, I did. 

My parents are leaving before me. I had a bedroom I could put them up in. I had access to a room she could set up as an office for her remote job she just got. She had a trip she had bought tickets for that had fallen through but had certificats for travel as a result and family that could take her in the lower 48 and a means to get there safely now without more cost to herself. I had room for a kitten that she wanted to keep with her at least temporarily until her fiance could get set up with the other cats, and I had just enough income to afford the gas it was going to take me to get everything taken care of. 

On top of that, my family were working hard to prepare for their move quickly with my brothers help and I had the ability to ask for support from him who is a gentle giant and a pro at de-escilating adults, a skill hes honed over the years working in customer service and dealing with me.  

My friends things were obtained without much incident, though it was a close thing (thank you Bubby for that quick intervention, keeping my friend safe, de-escilating the situation, and reminding me to just walk away). She is safe now, her job has been saved, I am getting amazing kitty cuddles from the most adorable kitten I’ve seen in awhile, and I feel at peace with everything. 

Though my friend is grieving the loose of a relationship with her mother, she has stated she has not felt so much as peace in a long while and she now has further evidence of how much I really do care for her and the lengths I, and my family, are willing to go to for her. 

It worked out the way it needed to exactly when it needed to. 

Here is what I have learned from this situation though. 

Not every family is like mine. Too many people in this world have to deal with manipulation, abuse, and guilt. They keep their heads down and fly under the radar dying slowly inside just to have shelter, food, and a some semblance of false safety. Too many people have stories like my friends that don’t work out well. Too many people live in a constant state of fight or flight knowing that at any moment their lives can be uprooted and they can be left with nothing and no one.  

I was able to help my friend and feel glad for that. But I mourn for those out there without what she had. A chosen family that would go to hell and back to make her safe.

I guess what I really want to say in this post is that you never really know what the people around you are going through. And you never really know who needs help and what small act will save a life. I have seen stories where a single cup of coffee has been a difference of life and death for a person. I have seen stories where people will open their homes to help a person get on their feet and that makes the difference. I have seen stories where a single smile and complement has been all someone has needed to find the courage to make a change. I have heard stories like my friends where one person was all it took to turn their life around and help them realize there was hope in the world. 

My hope for anyone reading this today going through hardship is that you know it can get better. 

I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I know it can. 

Things happen for a reason in my belief and it is my honest wish in life that people know they are not alone in this world and that everyone finds at least one person who will love them they way the disserve to be loved. Unconditionally with the inherent respect and dignity that human beings disserve.  

-Dare

P.S. Though there are horror stories out there around reaching out for help and facing off with hardship, red tape, and bureaucracy, there are some good people in the world who can help if you are in crisis and need it. 

Suicide prevention: 988 Lifeline

Domestic Abuse Support: National Domestic Abuse Hotline

Homelessness Support: National Alliance to End Homelessness

Online Counseling services: Better Help

There are many local services alongside the ones mentioned here that can also do good things for people willing to put in the hard work to make the necessary changes. 

Also, thank you to my bestie and others who have the courage to share their stories to help spread this message to those who need it the most. Your contribution has not gone unnoticed.