Today,  I had a list of things that I was supposed to do. I was supposed to fold laundry, sweep around the litter box, cook dinner tonight, work on my book, and write a blog. Obviously I’m working on the blog, but the only way I’m able to do so is that  lovely thing called  speech-to-text technology. 

I woke up this morning at around noon, despite having gone to bed at a relatively reasonable time last night, feeling like my body is wading through mud. I felt it starting to come on Friday night. I had woken up Saturday morning feeling okay but as the day went on I started to get more and more sluggish. Sunday rolled around and everything was just kind of gross. This morning I feel like I am surrounded by a large vat of mud. Thinking is harder, taking the dog out this morning felt almost impossible, and I’ve almost fallen down on at least five separate occasions. I got the dog out and I got him fed which is good but all of the other things that I wanted to do today and needed to do today have gone out the door. Today is a day where I am just focused on existing.

 I am managing to get some editing in with the mouse and keyboard so that this document isn’t quite so rough. I know, however,  I’m going to miss things. One of the first signs that I had that things were going to go wonky this weekend was on Friday when my eyes started to act up. Everything got soft around the edges and it was difficult to get my eyes to focus on things. I spent a lot of the day with my glasses off. 

That has been the new norm for this weekend. I keep losing my glasses because I put them down wherever I am sitting at the time I take them off and forget where I had them last. Continuing to wear them, however, makes my head hurt and is just so annoying. But if I can’t see well or read well, then I am going to miss things while editing this post. Bear with me on that please and don’t judge my writing too harshly. 

I’m not totally sure what’s causing the uptake and symptoms right now. Part of it, I think, could be stress. I went to the nutritionist on Friday because a lot of my symptoms and the disabilities that I have including multiple sclerosis can be helped with weight loss. I struggle significantly with that. It takes so much effort on my part to lose just a single pound and I am officially now at the heaviest I have ever been in my adult life.  

Since moving over the summer we’ve been in money saver mode. We managed to get our shopping down to about $100 a week, but apparently, it was with a price. According to the nutritionist, everything we have been eating since moving has been contributing to worsening symptoms, faster weight gain, and has been all around bad for my brain, body, and overall health. It has all been very inflammatory where I need to be more focused on anti-inflammatory foods and it could be part of why when I did try to go back to work my symptoms kicked up so bad.

It’s rough when you go to a nutritionist and find out that everything you’ve been doing for months is wrong. It’s also rough when you know that the reason you’ve been doing it is to save money. Add shopping with a new list and menu in mind that’s supposed to be healthier and better and support healing and it’s more than double what you’ve been usually spending. Then, add the fact that you don’t really have the money because you can’t work and a single income barely covers all your bills. Now you have stress, guilt, and sadness. 

Can someone please tell me why it’s cheaper to get a box of donuts than it is to get enough apples for the week?

It’s hard to eat healthy on a super tight budget. Even with financial support it’s hard. Even with food banks and other resources that people have to use it’s hard. People talk about the Obesity Epidemic in America and judge people as being lazy and unhealthy. It’s easy to judge but when you consider the fact that a large percentage of our population is considered to be low income and on welfare, and you look at how expensive healthy foods are and Whole Foods are, no wonder the population is having trouble being fit and healthy. And then you add the fact that our infrastructure is not set up to support walking, biking, or other healthy means to exercise for free and you add in the cost of a gym membership it’s ridiculous! And then we wonder why there are so many obesity related illnesses and why people struggle to get their daily steps in. 

I’m not trying to say that all of the Obesity problems in America are caused by the poor not being able to afford healthy eating and inability to work out.  There are some people who are just lazy or who don’t know what they’re doing. But when I’m down to Hamburger Helper without the Hamburger because a pound of hamburger is too expensive and when I am trying to choose between apples and donuts for a snack and donuts are the chapter option, there’s a problem. 

I have always struggled with weight loss. Even when I had the funds to buy all of the healthy foods and have a gym membership to go to the gym I struggled with weight loss. Even when I had all of the financial means at the tips of my fingers I’ve struggled. And now I have so much working against me financially, health-wise, mental health wise, it feels almost impossible. And yet all of the doctors are telling me that weight loss is necessary, that all of the disabilities I have from multiple sclerosis, to polycystic ovarian syndrome, to idiopathic intracranial hypertension, to joint issues and fatigue would all be supported and helped with weight loss. It feels impossible and it’s stressful. 

And then I think to the one time the one time in my life that I did successfully manage to lose 40 lbs and it was because I watched everything with an obsession and was so controlling of what I was able to put in my body down to the last calorie. Everything was calculated meticulously and planned religiously. Then, the moment I stopped being obsessive about it was the moment I packed on double the weight I’d managed to lose. 

I am stressed. I am stressed, frustrated, scared, and annoyed. And on some level I feel shame. Shame that my body isn’t like the girls in the magazines, that I will never be thin seemingly effortlessly, and shamed that the moment I look at a cookie I gain 5 pounds. 

So, I’m not sure why this weekend has been rough symptom wise and why my eyes are acting up. But part of it could be stress. 

Very well could be.