“The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it.” ~ Thomas S. Monson

I think a lot of people in this world are guilty of this, I know I for sure am. We are guilty of looking at our past mistakes and decisions with regret and a longing to go back and change what has already come to pass. 

We think about what would have happened if we had made different choices, different friends, different money votes, different learning paths. What would have happened if we hadn’t gone to this place, met those people, felt those feelings. 

We see it in ideas of “the one that got away” or “the missed opportunity” or the “squandered potential.” 

We see it in popular themes on reading apps, books, and shows of the person being brought back to the moment of a critical decision in their life where they choose poorly and getting the chance to choose differently. 

We see it in sayings like “hindsight is 20/20” or “hindsight being what it is.”

It is, in my opinion, very human and natural to have made mistakes and to have regrets in life. But here is where things get tricky. Some people get so caught up living in their past and regretting their mistakes and wishing with all hope they could go back and change things that they forget there is a today and a tomorrow that is more important than what came before. They get so stuck in their wish to change what has come, they miss the opportunity to embrace and make the most of the now.

As stated, I am so guilty of looking at my life and past mistakes and thinking to myself of all the things I wish I had done differently and all the things I regret. My life was and is an interesting one. I have made too many poor choices to count and some of those poor choices led to situations that were very harmful to myself, my future, my family, and my friends. My mother calls me her popcorn child because watching my life unfold has felt to her like sitting in a theater with a large bucket of popcorn watching an intense movie with so many unexpected plot twists and turns that it keeps her captivated and shoveling handfuls of popcorn in her mouth wondering what will happen next. 

I have hurt loved ones beyond what words could ever repair. 

I have alienated myself from people I wish I still had in this life. I made myself a stranger to people who could have helped me so much. 

I have hurt, been hurt, left behind people who needed me, and been left behind by people I thought I needed. 

I have messed up my finances, made poor purchases, been poor enough to live in my car briefly and dumb enough to allow myself to do that despite having the potential of a warm bed because of someone that I loved who wasn’t welcome with my loved ones. 

I have manipulated people and put myself in harm’s way thinking I didn’t have a choice at the time despite knowing now that I did and that it would have worked out. 

I have loved people who I had no business loving, stayed in relationships I would have been better off leaving because I didn’t want to be alone or didn’t feel like I had a choice. 

I have said things to my mother, father, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that I will probably never in this life stop feeling shame for or looking back and cringing about. The fact I am still as loved as I am by my family will never not be a miracle to me. 

But here is what I know:

Those regrets, those shames, those memories I look back on with horror… I can’t change that. I can’t change what has come to pass. I can’t take back words or actions I wish with all my heart I could. And sitting here with those regrets, allowing them to eat me up, will never change what I did or make it better. 

In these past few days I have had reason to look back on the person I was, reason to look back on my choices, and reason to face them. I have friends in my life right now that are in a place similar to where I have been and they needed me. They needed my hard won knowledge and my hard won acceptance that mistakes happen. 

But they also needed this knowledge- good people who truly care about you and love you will do so despite the mistakes you’ve made and will give you the room to make your mistakes and still love you. 

Let me be clear- this does not mean they will give in to your every whim and desire and forgive you immediately for what you have done. It does not mean that you will not have accountability to your actions, it just means that they will give you the opportunity to do better, be better, and not hold the past against you as a weapon to bring up and shame you again when the fancy strikes them. 

It is called unconditional positive regard, or unconditional love, and it is shocking the number of people who forget that it is an expectation of Christian beliefs. I am no preacher, no saint, no one qualified really to speak on that from a Christian standpoint despite having read my bible myself cover to cover on more than one occasion. 

I have stated many times and will maintain that I am NOT a Christian. I have some issues with the belief that are my own to work out and are between me and the powers that be. I am not open to nor willing to discuss my personal belief beyond that except to say that I was raised in a Christian household with parents who believed with all their heart and have showed me time and time again this tenet of Christian belief with so much fidelity that it has become a core part of who I am and what makes me so good at what I do. 

I believe, to my very soul to the core of who I am, that people are worthy of unconditional positive regard. Doesn’t matter the background, doesn’t matter the race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, or history of addiction. It doesn’t matter the mistakes. 

EVERY person disserves grace.

EVERY person disserves a chance to thrive.

EVERY person disserves to have someone in their corner hoping beyond hope for a better future for them. 

I have boundaries in place for myself and my own protection against people who have hurt me. There are some people who will NEVER be a part of my life again for my own safety and well being. But I hope beyond reason or understanding that they grow as people and find someone in their lives who they want to be better for. 

I hope they find their people who encourage them to be the best version of them they can be and find the strength to look at their future and make it everything it can be. 

That is unconditional positive regard. Forgiveness for hurts that go beyond normal understanding and a knowledge that they may not be right in your life but that doesn’t mean they aren’t right in someone else’s. A forgiveness so profound and so above normal understanding that people will poke at it and question it because they don’t understand it.

I have made mistakes. My friends last night made mistakes. Every person EVER has made mistakes. 

We learn from those mistakes. Those mistakes shape who we are today every day. 

Do I wish I could go back and change what I have done? Yes. 

But I can’t. And regretting it wont change that. I have a future to look toward and a present to enjoy now without having to worry about if I have been forgiven for what I have done. 

It is my mistakes that made me. My mistakes that let me be who I am. 

One of my favorite authors has a quote that l love for this: 

I am who I am. It’s taken me awhile- hard work on my part with a counselor and time- but I love who I am. My mistakes shaped me, and though I have regrets, I wouldn’t be who I am without them. 

Don’t spend your life beating yourself up over your mistakes. Don’t let other people make you miserable for being who you are. Know you are worthy of grace, forgiveness, and the opportunity in life to be better. 

Don’t focus on your past and what you can’t change. There is a present and a future with so much more to offer than the regrets you can leave behind. 

-Dare.