“The only constant in life is change.” -Heraclitus

One thing I have had to contend with in this life is the fact that things change. I HATE change and don’t know anyone who doesn’t. The worst kind of change, however,  is the change to the unknown. The change that is followed by a giant question mark and a blackness of uncertainty that looms daunting in the future. 

That, my dear readers, is the change I have been contending with for these last several months, though thankfully some of the questions I had at first have been answered, and other questions are slightly less daunting than they were previously. 

At first, it was questions about what in the world was happening to me. Why was everything suddenly blurry? Why was I suddenly nauseous and dizzy all the time? Why can’t I walk down these seven stairs anymore? Why am I suddenly having such a hard time playing these games I love, like Sims 4 and Wildmender, which are easy games, if not a little decision-heavy? Why can I no longer type? Why can’t I buckle my seatbelt? Why am I getting out-of-body feelings when I drive? And lastly, why is my arm suddenly shaking uncontrollably? 

There were a lot of unknowns in those questions and a lot of uncertainty in what the answers were going to be, but I knew there were answers, and that helped make me not as afraid. At least until I got the first round of answers. Then it was a whole slew of different questions that were rather terrifying and frustrating. 

First, of course, was why is this happening to me? Unfortunately, that question never has a favorable answer, and I found it prudent to let the woe is me mentality go quickly. But other questions soon followed. Questions that were more answerable and more pressing, such as, Why is my brain dying? Am I ever going to get back the function I lost? Is it going to get worse? Am I going to die? I mean, yes, we all die eventually, but what is my timeline here? Some unknown years away from natural causes or an accident, or here in this hospital within weeks or days, because my brain is dying? 

Thankfully, those answers were favorable. No, this likely isn’t going to be what kills me. There are treatments for this that will allow me to live a long, fulfilling life, though I will never be cured, and some of the damage is irreversible. Occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy, and lifestyle changes can help return some skills to a certain degree and prevent more loss of skills unless I have another severe attack, and then they can help me learn to cope and deal with the changes. 

But now there are new questions. And while some of them have answers, there are still many unknowns. 

The medical care where I live isn’t great. Is it better to move or stay put? We’ve decided to move, which creates its own slew of unknowns. I still contend with fatigue frequently, and some days I can’t get out of bed. Functionality has been compromised, oversimulation is an issue to the point of rendering me incapable of normal speech at times, and I am still getting dizzy spells, nausea, and tremors just going to the grocery store. Is it better to apply for disability and not work, or should I try to find a job that will work with me? I’ve decided to go the disability route, though I’m not sure how that’s going to work out, and that has its unknowns as well, such as if I’ll even get approved and what I am going to do if it doesn’t. I get bored as a housewife (something I have three years of experience with, leading to my first degree- a Bachelor’s of the Arts in Creative Writing), so what can I do to make life less boring? I know- I struggle with typing and games, and the Physical Therapist and Occupational Therapist said if I keep practicing, I’ll maintain the skills and maybe improve, so I’ll stream and blog! I’ll dust off the writing degree I don’t use much anymore. Is anything going to come of it, or am I doing it out of boredom, and then it’ll fizzle out like all my other plans (see “From Plans to Possibilities: A Personal Transformation Story”)? 

Honestly, I don’t know what the future holds, but who does? One thing I do know is that the one constant in life is change.

The quote I started this with is from one of the great Greek Philosophers, Heraclitus, who believed that life was always in flux. Things always change. Many philosophers from both the East and West have expressed similar ideas that life changes, things move forward. In my own experience, I can’t say I disagree. 

Change happens. There will always be unknowns. How you deal with that makes the difference. I am going to choose to deal with it filled with hope, joy, laughter, and play, doing what I love in the moment. I am going to face the change with this blog, sipping tea, streaming for my friends on days that I feel up to it, and on days that I don’t, lying in bed reading or sleeping because I know that fatigue will eventually fade. 

Things always change. 

-Dare

P.S. I mentioned my stream a few times in this post. I am streaming on Twitch under the name Dare2PlayGames. I do stream some adult content that is not appropriate for all ages, but I do at times enjoy more family-friendly games. I often discuss what is happening with me, how I am feeling, and the changes I am facing in life on my streams, and if any of my readers would ever care to come watch, I would not mind seeing you in my chat.