It has been said often that the best way to get God to laugh at you is to tell him your plans. 

While my relationship with God is complicated and not up for discussion here, I cannot deny that this statement has quite a ring of truth to it when I look back at all the plans I have voiced over the years that have not gone the way I expected them to. 

As long as I can remember I have wanted kids, and while I think of myself as an okay Aunt, kids of my own (biological or adopted) have yet to be a reality. 

I was going to have my own house in Alaska near my parents and brother and it was going to be well maintained with a fenced in area for my dogs. Does your parents basement with the plan to move states in the summer count?

My whole life, I have loved languages, and I was determined in my college essay for my first year of college that I was going to be a Spanish Interpreter and nothing was going to change my mind! I have three degrees, two of them Master’s, none of which involve interpreting foreign languages. 

Navy Electronic Technician?- Honorable Discharge after a year and nine months. 

Dog trainer? – Or not. 

Famous Author? – Try again.

Awesome business owner? – In your dreams. 

Horseback rider/trainer doing barrel races at the fair? –  That one still makes me laugh. 

Farmer? – In what universe am I motivated enough to get out of bed and milk goats at 5:30 in the morning? 

So many failed plans, for so many different reasons.

Then I came to teaching, and that one looked like it was going to stick for just a moment. For a brief moment I could see a plan for my life that felt in a way like destiny. I had the degrees for it (Masters of Science in Childhood and Early Childhood Developmental Psychology and a Masters of Education in Early Childhood and Early Childhood Special Education). I had the experience for it. I had love and passion for it. I had found my place. Special Education in classrooms with kids that are just as likely to throw a chair at you as they are to do the work you just asked them to do. Behavioral Management where my whole day revolved around figuring out why that kid was screaming cus words accross the classroom and how to get them to stop. Where every day was different, exciting, and the most fun I think I’ve ever had in any job in my life. In classrooms with Paraprofessional and Aid staff that felt more like family sometimes than my own family because we were in the trenches together every day. 

I had finished student teaching. I had been hired in a school I loved with a principal I adored. I felt like I belonged, like I was going to make a difference, and my plans were going to actually work out this time. 

And then it happened.

I’d been feeling off for months. Vision had gone blurry, lights hurt my eyes at times, headaches had set in, fatigue had set in, I stopped being able to walk well, started knocking things over, couldn’t get my seatbelt buckled and then- January 3, 2025, while getting my classroom ready for my students to come back from winter break, the tremors started and there went God laughing at me again about all the plans I had made.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that Emergency Room visit. Started in a bed in the hallway then moved to a private room within minutes of my first brain scan being completed. I don’t think I will ever forget the look on the doctors face as she told me they needed to medically transport me in an ambulance to a bigger hospital 45 minutes away. Hearing my dad who was with me trying to joke and be calm knowing he was scared. Hearing my mom on the phone and the panic in her voice after she saw the scans. I dont think I will ever forget the day my life changed once again and every plan I’d made for my life once more went out the door. The stay at the hospital was a blur of tests, blood draws, a spinal tap, more MRI’s than I care to remember, fear and uncertainty. The times spent joking with my mom, dad, and amazing boyfriend as well as the friends who came to visit me. The two weeks immediatly following at the rehabilitation center a blur tinged by fear of what my life is going to be like and if I’d ever get movement or strength back. The sudden trip to Minnestota, to the Mayo Clinic in Rocherster with the specialist who may have answers.

It’s been a few months since my first hospital stay, my two weeks at the specialty rehabilitation center, and my trip to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. I have answers now though I am not sure how I feel about them. I have been diagnosed with Balo’s Consentric Sclerosis with Tumfactive Demylination as well as Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension (IIH) and Functional Movement Disorder (FMD). 

If I am being honest, I don’t know what my next plan is now. I don’t know that I’ll ever get back into a classroom or that I’ll be a house wife with kids of my own someday. I don’t know what is going to happen. But I do know this- No matter what, I’ll be okay. 

-Dare