*disclaimer: I am not a medically licensed psychologist or medical practitioner. These blog posts are not meant to replace getting real help and guidance from a trained medical professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, contact 911 or call the suicide prevention hotline at 988.*

The next tool in our toolbox for stress management can be tough at times, but it is important because it can help protect us, get us what we need, set healthy boundaries, and solve social conflicts more quickly, and it is to be assertive. Assertiveness is oftentimes confused with being aggressive or confrontational, but that is not the case. Being assertive is speaking your opinions, wants, and needs with consideration and respect for the opinions, wants, and needs of others. We each have our own individual opinions, beliefs, wants, needs, and social boundaries. We spend a lot of our lives interacting with others who have their own sets of opinions, needs, wants, and beliefs. Sometimes we are going to come across situations in which we have to make our voices heard, set our boundaries, or express that we have a need that is not getting met. That can be a daunting task, especially if you’re shy, anxious, socially awkward, have a fear of confrontation, or have a history (or current experience) with authoritative figures that never or rarely allowed you to have a voice. 

I, myself, have a hard time being assertive at times and making my needs or wants heard. I have borderline personality disorder and an intense fear of abandonment, as well as anxiety around confrontation. I don’t like having to, at times, stand up and express that I need space, that I didn’t like something someone did, that I need help, or that I don’t find a situation to be fair or good. It is difficult at times to make myself be heard or express myself in situations where I feel like I could be upsetting someone else, but sometimes that is necessary for my mental health, as it is at times necessary for the mental health of others. People are not mind readers, so how can they know there is an issue if you don’t tell them? How can they help solve problems if you don’t express that there is one? How can people know that you don’t find a situation to be fair or that you don’t like something someone said or did if you don’t say as much? 

Sometimes we have to practice being assertive and speak up for ourselves, even if it is uncomfortable, because it is better for our mental health in the long run if we face the moment of discomfort and set our boundaries, expectations, wants, and needs quickly, concisely, and with respect to the feelings of others. 

Assertiveness is NOT Confrontation or Aggression. 

Sometimes people will not like you being assertive or will say you are being confrontational and aggressive when you are simply trying to make yourself heard. While at times an attempt at communication can turn aggressive or confrontational, there is a distinct difference between assertiveness and aggression or confrontational communication. According to the BetterHelp Editorial Team (2025), assertiveness is expressing your needs and feelings directly while still maintaining respect for others. Being aggressive is attempting to establish or maintain social dominance, expressing threatening behaviors, and/or displaying hostility. Confrontational communication is hostile and meant to maintain dominance, place blame, or is focused on winning. 

If you are being assertive, you are not being confrontational or aggressive. You are using “I feel” or something commonly called an I-statement; you are not trying to place blame, you are expressing how you feel calmly and precisely, using appropriate language and body language to convey that it is important or serious. You are not raising your voice or shouting, but are calm and collected. You are standing by your opinions, feelings, or statements while allowing others to have a different opinion and feeling, and are either seeking to find a solution or setting a reasonable boundary. 

When people are aggressive or confrontational, they may shout, tower over you, try to use their presence and voice to talk over you, and make you feel small. They could curse at you, call you names, and belittle you, or they could be insulting. This is not assertive communication, but rather a demonstration that they are more powerful than you are, and you should just bow down and cower before them. It is not healthy to be confrontational or aggressive. It doesn’t solve porblmens rather creates more. People are more willing to listen to and help an assertive person than they are to listen to or help a combative, aggressive person. 

We Have Rights

Why then would somebody get offended if we are being assertive and not aggressive, and why then is it so difficult to do sometimes? Well, the answer to that is simple. We live in a world where some people aren’t taught good communication skills or conflict management, where some people don’t have regard for the feelings and needs of others, or where some people feel as though they have to be in control of other people or situations, and if they are not in agrement with them then they are being disrespected and that just can’t stand. That, or it is a person who is not used to direct communication, or likes to avoid feeling uncomfortable in a conversation, and may not like that direct style of communication. Either way, it is important to remember that we have rights, and one of those rights is to be treated with common decency and to have our needs met. We also have the right to say no and to set those boundaries and make them stick. 

We don’t have to be around people who are not going to respect us and respect our rights. We don’t have to subject ourselves to people who are going to curse at us and make us feel small. We can say no and choose to walk away. Sometimes that is what we have to do for our mental health and well-being. But often, at least in my experience, when you show a willingness to be assertive, respectful, but firm in your boundaries, most people will respect that and follow suit in how they respond to you. That is not always true, and there are some people you might not be willing to deal with, but most of the time, I have found that to be the case. 

Pitfalls of Passive Communication and Why Assertiveness is Sometimes Key

If you are like me and you have a hard time with assertive communication, your communication style is likely passive and permissive in many ways. You tend to let things that bother you go or don’t express your needs. You might not want to be a bother, or you might feel like it isn’t important to speak up. You might not want to make people uncomfortable or mad at you. It is possible that you have a fear of abandonment and don’t want to give anyone a reason to not want to be around you. You could have past experiences where speaking up or attempting to get needs met or set boundaries went badly. Sometimes, however, that can work out worse for us in the long run because we can find ourselves in unfair situations, without our needs met, or in situations where we are still uncomfortable being insulted or belittled, and we are just taking it. 

I have been there, and it is not pleasant. It’s that place where you’re suddenly stuck in a negative situation and weighing your fear of speaking up against the negative situation you may be in, and it is never fun. Evenatually that pressure builds up, and you explode either internally and begin to hate yourself and beat yourself up, or you explode externally, and it turns into a large fight, or you do something regrettable and end up in trouble with more stress-causing problems than if you just spoke up in the first place. 

Conclusion

As uncomfortable as being assertive can be, it really is an important stress management tool. It ensures that our thoughts and feelings are known, our needs are met, and that we can set our healthy boundaries and expectations. Sometimes being passive is okay, but if there is an issue, whether it is someone said something you didn’t like, you had an opinion you needed expressed, or you had a boundary you needed to set, assertive communication can be so helpful in managing those issues. It is always okay to say no; it is always okay to table a conversation and walk away. It is always okay to say I don’t like that or I don’t think this is fair and I want to come up with a solution to this issue. Being assertive is a direct form of communication that allows that to happen and that allows for the difference in belief, feeling, or opinion in others while protecting your own right to your own beliefs, opinions, and feelings.  

Citations: 

BetterHelp Editorial Team. (2025, August 1). Build up confidence: Guidelines for assertive behavior. BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/behavior/stand-up-guidelines-for-assertive-behavior/